I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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