Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
