My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
