There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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