does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I love you. Go after that dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
