Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
