Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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