He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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