Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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