DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
