i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
