We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
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Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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