Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Two words: blizzard sex
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
