she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
