I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She needs sedatives and a leash
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
