ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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