it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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