i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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