i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
