I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
