guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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