Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My liver just broke up with me...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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