It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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