it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
