You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
