I don't usually arrange sex via text message
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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