Sorry, I don't speak sober.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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