good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
