I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
