I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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