Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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