I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
