we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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