how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
