i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
