My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
