so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
