I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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