Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
