this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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