I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
