awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
