I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
