Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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