I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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