every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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