I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
