Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
