my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
