The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
