I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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