I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
