That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
