Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
