It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
