So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
