cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
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The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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