she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
