Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
